Major Discovery!
Men and women are different  

Marcia Kaye

Many of us have suspected this for a while. But sexual-medicine researchers—the University of British Columbia’s Dr. Rosemary Basson for one—are now acknowledging this: while the male sexual response is linear, its female counterpart is circular. And that refers not to the body parts involved but to the sexes’ differing approaches to physical intimacy. 

I like to compare the difference to shoe shopping. Typically, a man wanting new footwear will make a beeline for the store, zero in on a pair and buy it. In and out, mission accomplished. A woman covers much more territory, visits other stores on the way, checks out the sidewalk sale, tries on lots of shoes in lots of stores, stops for a latte, then goes back to try them on again. Sometimes she won’t buy a thing, even though she’s enjoyed the experience. Other times, even if she didn’t start out in a shoe-buying mood, she may come away with multiple pairs.

It’s the same with sex: most men take the shortest route to their destination; most women take a longer, more circuitous path with sidetracks, backtracks and stopovers. “Men have the desire, get an erection and want release,” says Montreal psychiatrist Dr. Pierre Assalian, director of the Human Sexuality Unit at the McGill University Health Centre. “But most women need to feel a sense of emotional intimacy first. This discrepancy can often lead to some miscommunication between couples.” 

Here, then, is Canadian Health’s translation guide to help deter bedroom wars.

She says “I’m not in the mood.”

He hears “You don’t turn me on anymore.” Rejection!

Interpretation She’s not in the mood now, but that doesn’t mean she can’t get in the mood. Foot massages work wonders.

He says “How come you never make the first move anymore?”

She hears “You’re not as sexual as you used to be.”

Interpretation Few women in a long-term relationship experience spontaneous desire. While a man’s desire generally precedes his arousal, a woman’s might only build after she’s aroused.

She says “I’m too busy even to think about sex!”

He hears “You’re my lowest priority.”

Interpretation It’s hard for women to feel sexual when overburdened. While a man may have erotic fantasies of his woman in an apron and not much else, a huge turn-on for an overworked woman may also entail an apron—her man in one, but fully dressed and cooking dinner. 

He says “You never even kiss me anymore!”

Her secret She’s busy and she’s afraid that if she turns him on with a kiss or a touch, she won’t be able to turn him off.

Interpretation He may get an involuntary erection, but he still needs affection.

With a little effort and patience, men and women can become sexually bilingual and learn to understand the language of love as spoken by the opposite gender.