Sexual Healing
What a sex therapist can do for you

Marcia Kaye

Maybe you’re much more interested—or much less—in sex than your partner. Or perhaps sex simply isn’t as satisfying as you think it could be. If you’ve reached any kind of love-life impasse, you may want to consult an expert.

Sex therapy addresses a host of concerns, including low desire, difficulties with arousal or climax, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, sexual aversion, sexual abuse, fetishes, orientation issues and addiction. “Sex therapy is talk therapy,” says Dr. Laurie Betito, a Montreal psychologist trained in sex therapy. “You cannot separate the sex part from other relationship issues, such as communication and trust.”

While anyone can hang out a Sex Therapy shingle, legitimate therapists are well-educated professionals holding degrees in such fields as psychology, medicine, sexology and social work. And they’re certainly not surrogates, who charge money for sex and in Canada  may risk violating prostitution laws.

So forget Masters and Johnson and the surrogates of the 1970s. Nowadays you will not find a bed in a sex therapist’s suite. Nor will there be any hands-on or clothes-off business, although some people expect, or fear, otherwise.

Treatment usually falls into one of the following three categories:

Reassurance

Female fans of Sex and the City may feel inadequate for not being erotically obsessed to the same degree as Carrie Bradshaw and her friends. These women (and their partners) may simply need a single-session assurance that they’re perfectly normal.

As for men, Betito recently counselled a worried client in his early 30s who kept losing his erection with his current casual partners. He’d had great sex in long-term relationships, however. Once Betito helped him accept his strong need for emotional attachment, he chose to forgo one-night stands and seek commitment. (Sorry, she won’t give out even his email address.)

Education 

Because of wildly unrealistic media portrayals of erotic activity, some couples are surprised to learn that a woman may need half an hour of stimulation to reach orgasm, or that a man can learn a simple physical control technique to prevent premature ejaculation. Sex therapists will often suggest educational books, videos or DVDs to deal with clients’ specific concerns.

If it appears that your problem could have a medical cause, you can expect a referral to an MD.

Psychotherapy 

Here’s where relationships and family dynamics are explored. Clients hobbled by repressive childhoods with a dismissive attitude to sex and reproduction may need help accepting and expressing their natural sexual feelings. Often couples’ problems are symptoms of deeper conflicts. One woman consulted Betito because her husband avoided sex. The man, however, confided to the therapist that he felt emasculated by his aggressive wife. Therapy shifted to deep-seated issues of anger, control and blame.

Whatever the problem, rest assured that you should keep your clothes on. Betito was taken aback when one client, who was concerned about his “size,” began the session by dropping his trousers.

At $80 to $150 an hour, sex therapy can be pricey, but it’s far cheaper than divorce and more fulfilling than deprivation. Ask your doctor for a referral or contact www.aasect.org, www.therapistlocator.net or (for Ontario only) www.bestco.info.