Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
Strategies for alleviating the what ifs

Tim Johnson

Philip is a successful 60-year-old video producer who lives almost daily with a deep regret. When he was 22, he had the chance to buy a huge Victorian house on a double lot, which he was renting in a downtown Toronto business district. At the time, Philip could not get up the nerve to spend the $23,000, so he missed the opportunity to own a property that would now be worth at least 100 times what he paid for it. “Often I’ve been racked by regret, almost to the point of sickness, about that mistake — especially now I’m nearing retirement,” he says.

Photo by Viorika Prikhodko/iStockphoto

It seems we all have them. Whether it’s that long-ago decision to enter the workforce instead of going to graduate school or letting your best love get away, many of us harbour deep regrets about past choices that bubble to the surface from time to time.

“It’s a common phenomenon,” says Dr. Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor of psychology at Concordia University in Montreal. Nine out of 10 people have severe life regrets, both in young adulthood and old age. “As for that one other person out of 10, we don’t know if this is the person who really did everything well in life or if they’re just very successful at repressing their problems.”

Wrosch, who has done a number of studies in this area, notes that people’s persistent regrets are usually related to major developmental decisions — education, work, partnerships and family.

Not surprisingly, his research has shown that regret is a predictor of depression. It is also linked to stress-related health problems such as diarrhea, constipation and migraines. And in his latest study, published in the journal Psychology and Aging, Wrosch found that severe regret was related to disruptions in sleep. In a sample population of Montreal-area adults age 60 and over, those with more intense regrets also secreted higher levels of the harmful stress hormone cortisol during the day.

“This, in turn, influences the immune system, the metabolic system and the central nervous system, and therefore makes people more vulnerable to disease,” he says. Simply put, while you’re kicking yourself for past disappointments, you may also be laying a beating on your physical health. 

The good news, Wrosch found, is that engaging people in adaptive coping techniques helps. Writing out all the various factors and circumstances that contributed to the decision you regret appears to alleviate the intensity of regret’s psychological effects. Documenting the regrets and disappointments of other people you know helps, too.

Those who realize they are not wholly to blame for the decisions they wish they could undo are better off, Wrosch says. It’s also useful to note accomplishments that might not have been possible had you taken a different path. After letting that first house escape his grasp, Philip decided that he would make every effort to invest in real estate. “I bought a nice house in a much more residential neighbourhood with a lot of green space and great schools,” he says. “I console myself with the thought that this was a far better place to bring up my kids.”

And never forget that you’re not alone. To regret is human; many others feel sorry about the choices they’ve made. And regret does have a positive side: like mistakes, it has lessons to teach us and can help us make better decisions as we move forward in life.

These lessons are especially useful for those in their 20s and 30s who still have many chances to change course. But for older people who have passed most of these windows and whose disappointments are often several decades old, regret can be a serious problem.

Older people can seek protection from regret’s sting by injecting purpose into their lives and building toward meaningful goals, Wrosch says. This will translate to greater satisfaction and help insulate them from regret’s negative impacts on health. “If you’re unhappy with your past decisions, but nevertheless have things that are meaningful to work on, you will not be affected as much.” 

If it’s still in your power to change things, do it. If you opted out of a round-the-world backpacking trip in your youth, you may benefit from making far-flung journeys after your retirement.

And those in their 20s and 30s should follow their hearts. “You can avoid regret by doing the things in life that are important to you,” says Wrosch. “If you really want to do something, do it while you can. If you don’t, it may come back to haunt you later.”