Words and Sex

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Talk your way to a better time in bed

Marcia Kaye

Actions may speak louder than words, but that doesn’t mean that a few well-chosen words can’t improve the action. While many of us shy away from sex talk with our partners, the right kind of talking can actually spice up the rocking, especially in long-standing relationships. “We tend to get efficient and complacent, so anything we can do to keep things fresh adds to the longevity of the eroticism,” says Vancouver psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Pega Ren.

Ren says that receiving verbal messages can be especially important for women, who often appreciate — or even require — a mental arousal before the physical one. So here are some tips for their partners.

Forewords

If you want good sex in the evening, start with good romance in the morning. “We love to savour the idea of a seduction throughout the day,” says Ren. So instead of waiting till tonight and approaching her from behind when she’s loading the dishwasher, leave her a flirty note before you leave for work or send her one at lunchtime.

How about something like, “I can hardly keep my mind on my work today, I’m so busy thinking of you.” Or, “We’ve been so busy lately that I’m missing our time together. I’ve hired a sitter and made reservations for seven.” As long as you’re sure your communication is private, it doesn’t matter whether you email, phone or text. “Even if it arrives by carrier pigeon, most women would go, ‘Wow! I’m in!’” says Ren. If you think she’ll feel comfortable with more of an erotic charge, consider adding, “Could you wear that low-cut blue dress?” But exercise caution with anything that sounds like a demand.

Pillow Talk

If you and your partner aren’t used to talking during sex, start small. Try something innocent — “You look so beautiful tonight” — then check her response. If it’s favourable, you could move to “I love the way your skin feels under my hand” or “I love the way you’re touching me.” If she doesn’t respond either verbally or physically, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not enjoying it. She might just be getting used to the idea, or maybe she’s concerned that the kids can hear. Either way, take it slow and be sensitive to her response.

If things are going well, ramp it up as you like, but stay in your comfort zone; this isn’t a movie. Also, be aware that while many women enjoy sensual words, far fewer appreciate outright vulgarity. Think sexy, not dirty. And keep it personal: just saying her name can be a powerful aphrodisiac for her.

Epilogue

Before you roll over to go to sleep, say something appreciative and thoughtful such as “I loved that. Did you?” or “Wow! You’re amazing.” It is crucial to acknowledge that you haven’t viewed the sex as an insignificant event, says Ren. When you’re talking to her the next day, refer to how much you enjoyed the experience. You could send her a virtual bouquet or an e-card expressing your personal sentiments: “Thank you for the magnificent time we shared” or “Grrr!” or “Let’s do that again soon.” Perhaps text her an emoticon: a grin :-D, a wink ;-) or a kiss :-*. She’ll get the message.