A Fine Romance: Eight Simple Rules

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A good love relationship is one determinant of well-being, but like other aspects of health, it requires effort

Marcia Kaye

Off the top of your head, you can probably spout the rules for good physical health: eating right, exercising, not smoking. But what about the rules for good relationship health? These aren’t so easy to come by. A healthy relationship with a loving partner is almost universally sought, yet how to achieve that happy state often eludes us — as is underscored by Canada’s 38% divorce rate (with Quebec the dubious leader at almost 50%).

Despite the crucial role that a healthy romantic relationship can play in our lives, the guidelines for getting one and keeping one are not innate, taught in school or handed down from generation to generation — especially when our own parents may be among the marriage casualties.

But we can change that. A salutary romantic relationship is not a matter of chance, happenstance or circumstance. It’s a consciously crafted work of art. “It’s a creation by two people,” says Shirley Vollett  a certified life and relationships coach based in North Vancouver. “And they can create the relationship the way they want it.”

It takes skills, adds Phillis Willer, an individuals and couples therapist in Toronto. “Once you’ve learned some skills, it’s a matter of making the relationship a priority in your life and bringing those skills into it.” While we’ve often heard that relationships take work, Willer says strenuous labour isn’t necessary. “You never stop putting energy into the relationship, but it shouldn’t feel like work.”

Here, then, are our eight simple rules for a healthy romantic relationship. The rules really are simple; the hard part is that both of you have to agree to play by them.

1. First, Know Yourself

Right from the start, you need to be clear about your core values — the things that are of utmost importance to you. For example, if you desperately want children but you’ve met someone who’s unwilling or unable, that may well cause problems down the road. Other core values could include financial priorities, religious or spiritual orientation, commitment to career and even urban versus rural living.

Illustration: Scott Thigpen

For her single clients who are seeking to find a relationship, Vollett gets them to ask: What are my deal breakers? Partners certainly don’t have to be exactly the same, she says — in fact, differences in talents, appearance or background often fuel the initial attraction — but those whose core values align have a more solid foundation on which to build a lasting partnership.

2. Realize You're Both on the Same Side

You’re partners, not competitors. A competition produces a winner and a loser, which never makes for a healthy relationship. It’s vital to keep this bigger picture in mind when life seems to pit one of you against the other.

Illustration: Scott Thigpen

Willer tells of a couple that she recently counselled who always argued over mundane duties. In the latest conflict, the wife, home while their new baby napped, called her husband at work to ask him to take their eight-year-old daughter to her after-school dance class. But he, running a company, balked at losing two hours out of his workday, which he’d have to make up on the weekend. “I got them to see that instead of working at cross-purposes, they ultimately had the same goal — the betterment of the family,” says Willer. Suggested solution: realize that both of you are MVPs on the same team and switch your daughter to a weekend class.

3. Avoid the Blame Game

Common scenario: he wants sex; she’s exhausted after all the paid work, housework and homework. He says, accusingly, “You’re always too tired!” Willer says that instead of blaming her, he needs to take personal responsibility for his own behaviour. For instance, if he assumes tonight’s household chores and child-care duties while she reads a book or has a relaxing bath, she might be more in the mood.

Illustration: Scott Thigpen

Vollett tells of a client who felt smothered in her relationship, blaming her partner for not giving her enough personal space. But when Vollett asked her, “When you say you need time to yourself, does he object?” the client paused, then replied, “No, he’s okay with it. I guess I feel guilty asking for time for myself.” Vollett got her to see that the problem wasn’t her partner but her own difficulty in validating her needs. The couple are still together.

4. Appreciate Your Mate

If your partner always handles the bills or empties the dishwasher or takes the car in for oil changes, you gradually come to expect it and stop acknowledging the contribution. But that, says Willer, can cause your partner to feel taken for granted. “I teach couples to verbalize their appreciation,” she says. Willer practised this herself throughout her own happy 30-year relationship with her husband, who died suddenly from a heart attack three years ago. “Every day we’d say things to each other like, ‘Thanks for driving the kids to hockey’ or ‘I’m so glad I’m married to you.’”

Partners aren’t mind readers, so if you don’t say it, how will they know?

5. Show Some Respect

Illustration: Scott Thigpen

Partners sometimes speak in less respectful ways to each other than they would to a colleague or even a stranger. Name-calling, swearing, belittling and mocking can be corrosive to a relationship, although we often do it without realizing it. “When I started observing myself, I found that when I was angry or upset, I flipped into sarcasm more than I realized,” says Vollett, who has been married for 21 years. Once aware of her sarcasm, she was able to work on reducing it. People often assume that no matter how badly they treat their partners they will always be there. But, Willer says, “after years of being controlled or bullied or talked to disrespectfully, somebody may say, ‘I’m not taking this anymore’ and leave.” And the one who’s left may be reeling from what he or she mistakenly views as the partner’s “sudden” decision.

6. Accept that your Partner is not You

Common scenario: he wants sex; she’s exhausted after all the paid work, housework and homework. He says, accusingly, “You’re always too tired!” Willer says that instead of blaming her, he needs to take personal responsibility for his own behaviour. For instance, if he assumes tonight’s household chores and child-care duties while she reads a book or has a relaxing bath, she might be more in the mood.

Illustration: Scott Thigpen

Too often we try to make over our partner, usually in our own image. While people can change, they have to do it on their own terms. Even so, there’s no guarantee that they will, and you can drive yourself crazy trying to force it to happen.
Willer cites the case of an Oscar and Felix “odd couple.” She’s messy, while he’s so neat that his shirts are colour-coordinated in his closet. After some early problems, both have accepted that neither way is better, and neither wants to change. So he uses his downtown office as his impeccable sanctuary, and they’ve hired a weekly housecleaner (cheaper than couples therapy).

7. Share Power

It’s natural to want to get your own way every time, but it’s not realistic. Successful partners share power, often giving up some of their you-know-I’m-right mindset for the good of the couple. A healthy relationship involves compromise, collaboration and negotiation — skills we often use at work but abandon at home.

One well-meaning Mr. Fix-it kept hanging up his heavy motorcycle gear on a coat rack in the vestibule. It kept wrenching out and damaging the embossed antique fleur-de-lys wallpaper. His spouse’s first urge was to take down the rack and whack him with it. A better way, according to Willer, is to realize that he needs a place to hang his gear, acknowledge his attempts, gently suggest that the rack is not an ideal solution, then move calmly toward creative problem solving. Adds Vollett: “Offer to create room in a closet; he may make a counter-offer, such as moving the rack to an unpapered wall.” Find a solution you can both live with.

8. Take Time to Nurture

Illustration: Scott Thigpen

Like any growing, living thing, a relationship will die from neglect. It needs daily time and attention. Take at least 15 minutes together every day to share a cup of tea or a glass of wine, go for a walk or a run together or talk on the phone without interruption. Exchange information about the minutiae of your day: the paper cut you got, your son’s B+ math test, the neighbour’s new dog. Listen as much as you talk. While not earth-shattering, this regular, innocuous exchange acts as relationship glue. And if you can  manage a weekly date, an occasional weekend away or an annual holiday, so much the better. “It’s not only to relax together,” Vollett says. “It’s to dream together.”