You’re on the road, camping in the wilds or enjoying two weeks at a remote cottage — far from pharmacies and clinics. Maybe there’s no cellphone service in the area. Chances are,  you’ll run into some sort of emergent health problem. Here’s what to do in a baker’s dozen worth of out-of-the-blue situations — solutions from first-aid instructors at the venerable St. John Ambulance (SJA) and other experts.

Do wash the sting area with soap and water. “Gently scrape out the stinger and venom sac with your fingernail, a knife blade or a credit card and relieve itching with a paste of baking soda and water,” says Gary Jack, an educator with SJA’s Burlington, Ont., branch. For a sting in the mouth, have your child suck on ice or flush out her mouth with cold water. If your child has trouble breathing, she may be having a serious allergic reaction — which could lead to anaphylactic shock. You must get her to medical aid right away. If she is known to be allergic to bee venom and you have her EpiPen, use it without delay

A huge traffic jam delays your arrival at the cottage by two hours, but you’re ravenous and eat the now slightly fizzy devilled eggs you picked up this morning at the supermarket anyhow. Next morning, you feel sick and suspect a touch of food-borne illness.

Do treat mild symptoms pretty much as you would the flu, according to Northern Lights Health Region in Fort McMurray, Alta. Increase your liquid intake with water, apple juice or tea to replace fluids lost through diarrhea or vomiting.

Do calm and reassure the child, says Sylvain Lessard, manager of training for the SJA’s New Brunswick Council in Fredericton. Place your fingernail or a credit card under the worm’s front sucker to break the suction, then do the same at the other end. Applying a mentholated rub may cause the leech to detach itself voluntarily. Apply pressure for bleeding and ice for pain.

Don’t yank the worm off, as part of it may remain under the skin. And don’t apply a burning cigarette, salt or harsh chemicals, as these may cause the leech to regurgitate blood and bacteria into the wound. “Don’t allow your child to go back in the water, as that may increase the risk of infection at the wound site,” says Lessard.

Your 14-year-old son, sometimes none too fragrant in his own right, is sprayed by noxious vapours from the anal glands of a skunk. (Is it just coincidence that mephitis, the Latin name of this badger relative, shares its first two syllables with that of the sulphur-breathing, hell-dwelling spirit Mephistopheles?)

Do assess the dog’s state of distress, advises Dr. Hazel Eaglesome, a veterinarian at the Blue Cross Animal Hospital in Toronto. “This is a painful and frightening situation, and even the loveliest family pet will bite under these circumstances.” Proceed to the next step only if you are absolutely sure you won’t be bitten and only if there are fewer than 10 quills in her muzzle. (If the quills are many and widespread, or if any have lodged in her mouth or throat, take your dog to a veterinarian ASAP.)

Your son gets a nosebleed on a remote stretch of Ontario highway between Wawa and Thunder Bay.

Do pull over and have him sit leaning slightly forward so the blood will not run down his throat. Keep his head above his heart. Gently pinch the soft part of the nostrils between your fingers for about 10 minutes. “If the bleeding doesn’t stop, pinch the nostrils again and put a cold pack from your cooler on the nose or the back of the neck,” advises SJA’s Jack. A nosebleed that won’t stop requires medical attention.

Do immediately cool the burned area by placing it under cool water for 10 to 15 minutes. “Cool water reduces skin damage and minimizes pain,” says Jack. After cooling, apply a clean, dry dressing or cloth. Serious burns require immediate medical treatment.

Do get as much of the resin off as possible. Flush the affected area several times with cold water and then wash with warm water and soap. Calamine lotion may stop the itching and cool the skin. It also leaves a dry crust that absorbs the oozing liquid. Oral antihistamines and topical corticosteroids may ease things, as may a paste of oatmeal or baking soda. “Put the juice of the stems and leaves of the orange-flowered jewelweed — also called the touch-me-not plant — on the rash to relieve pain and swelling,” says Jack. “This is Mother Nature’s apology for poison ivy and grows near it.” Change your clothes and discard or wrap the exposed garments for thorough washing.

Do keep calm, advises Morgan Jones Phillips, a paramedic in Toronto and author of the one-man play The Emergency Monologues (www.emergencymonologues.com). “If you panic, the youngster will take deep, panicky breaths, and that could make the lodged item go in even deeper.” If the child is coughing or struggling to breathe, she may have a partial airway blockage. If possible, call 911 and follow the instructions given. The operator may walk you through the Heimlich manoeuvre (abdominal thrusts). If your daughter cannot make noise and is turning blue, her airway is fully blocked. In just a few minutes, she could suffer brain damage or die. “In this situation, if you can safely hang the child upside down and shake her or pound her back, do it,” says Jones Phillips. “Gravity will help dislodge the object from the airway.”

Don’t try to cut out the fang marks. And don’t try to suck out the venom. Don’t apply a tourniquet and don’t apply cold to the site. Never give alcohol as this may accelerate the circulation of the poison.

Do gently flush out stuffy nostrils with lightly salted warm water (an eyedropper or even a small kitchen funnel will do). Keep your child well hydrated with fluids and give him a teaspoon of honey mixed with lemon juice to coat his ragged throat.

Don’t cut off the blood circulation to the foot with the splint. If the splint prevents blood flow, it will cause more damage than the fracture. “Don‘t give Aspirin as it will increase blood flow, thereby increasing bleeding and swelling,” says Jones Phillips.

Your holiday packing should include a serious first-aid kit and manual. Here’s hoping you can cope with health problems without heading back to town. And remember, if symptoms persist, see your doctor for follow-up once you’ve returned home.